Welcome Back

Looking at how many people read my blog, including myself there is only one person. Which is completely fine, I rather have no readers than someone reading my thoughts and thinking I'm crazy, or weird or something. It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I remember why I did it. This was my escape, and I'm back... Did I even leave? Inception.

So much has changed, I have a boyfriend, ergo the display picture, we've been together for 2 years, 3 months and 18 days to be exact. We got together September 18th, 2009. We first met online and talked for about 2 years, and finally our schools were playing each other in football so we met! I guess it was "love at first sight" since it we already knew about our feelings, and we saw each other for the first time haha.

I just finished my first semester of college, I got an A, a B, and 2 C's, not the best way to start, but I am also looking into another career path anyways. Nursing... I know, it took me by surprise too! We'll see what happens, I think I can do it.. I know I can do it! I'm Filipino, it runs through my veins right? At least, it's supposed to... We'll see.

I plan to write atleast once a week, hopefully I can write more.

Until then,
Cheers.

Dear Anonymous,

It's amazing what time can do to a person. The things that happen, the people they meet. What is truly amazing is what doesn't change.

You have told me a lot, and showed me a lot and you know how I feel. Somethings are better left unsaid, or undone. These may just be one of those things, and I'm sorry. There is so much more I can say, but I wont.

The whole is different than the sum of its parts.

Doubts.

According to Dictionary.com, Doubt means- to be uncertain about.

That would pretty much sum up my feelings towards my future.
I doubt that I will live happily ever after with him.
I doubt that I will be successful, no matter what path I choose.
I doubt that my parents would ever be satisfied with who I will become.

I continue to doubt, and realize that I'm really not going to get anywhere if I continue to doubt.

Why I doubt?
-I doubt that I will live happily ever after because maybe in the end it's not meant to be. What happens if we break up? What happens if I do join the military? There are many what if's to this relationship, and that is not a good sign. Maybe I should break it off while I can, before it gets any deeper into the relationship. I just don't know.

- I will not be successful because I don't know what I want. Dentist, Lawyer, Psychologist, Marines? For only beting 16 those are a lot of different career paths I've thought about, and for the longest time I've wanted to be a Lawyer.. But no that's too much money, Psychologist, too much money.. Marines? Yeah! I'll risk my life to get free schooling.. greaaaat, I'm all for it (:

- My parents have never said "I'm proud of you" in 16 years I've been wandering this planet. Maybe they never will, maybe it's just a moment waiting to happen. Until then, I doubt.

Anyways this is all for today,
'Til next time.

To the future..

Senior Year is literally right around the corner..

I feel like I've signed up for 10 classes next year!! Theres so much I still want to do with so little time :(

So far I think my schedule goes a little something like::

1- Advanced Show Choir
2- Psychology AP
3- Calculus AP
4- ASB
5- Journalism
6- English 4 Exp

BUT now I'm thinking the Marines.. and what better way to get ready than JrROTC right?
but where am i supposed to fit that??

AND now I'm thinking Basketball again?? ughhhh already stressing about the school year and it's not even here :(

Anyways the summer has been relaxing :]
went to DC for the first week
then came back to relax a week and get settled in
then Tennis for 3 weeks xP
and now Summer School :) gotta get that Gov/Econ class OUT of the way :P

The "real" world is out there..
and it's coming quick.

That'll be all for now.

Moving On.

In my previous blogs there were "violent" experiences going on.
that are still going on today.

After me cutting myself,
i found out that my best friend had shot himself on the friday before.
which only led to more of an urge to continue
i have not cut since, and i dont plan on it again

im just sick and tired of the "same old" that continues every day of my life.
i think 16 years is enough pain,
but just 2 more and i'll be free from it all.

[[ you really dont know how i feel
you were never there to find out
you were never there for me for anything
you choose a fucking dog, over me
i'm done trying to impress you
i rather have you send me off somewhere
i'd be happier in africa, starving.
maybe after that i'll be skinny enough for you ]]

my problems with my parents will never be solved
they will always be looked over
and passed as if they were never there

the problems i have with a "best friend"
will never be resolved.
with as many times as i tell them
how i feel
or what i would want then to change
as always, it goes in one ear and out of the other.

i'm changing my point of view on the world.
i'm going to start caring
i'm going to start having fun
i'm going to keep breaking the rules
and i'm going to keep living through the same shit everday

because i know that there is someone else
who is feeling 10 times shittier than i am :)

Just Because [the song]

It wasn't supposed to happen
we were meant to stay just as friends
you were so far away
but you kept me close
it wasn't supposed to happen
but it did anyways

Because I love you
i wont love another
because i gave you my heart,
i don't want it back
because you left me,
i will follow you
because you love me,
i love you too.

Your dark hair
your bright smile
the way you talk
the way you laugh
your different
than anyone else

YOU SWORE NEVER TO

LEAVE ME here alone
but that's what you did
after everything we talked about
you turned your back
and walked away
you left me here
to be alone

So now I sing la la la, la la la la la, la la la x2

I'm told to let you go
because you're the one that's missing out
but why am I the one crying over it?
Will you ever come back?
Or am I wasting my time

So now I sing la la la, la la la la la, la la la x2

I cant let you go
I don't want to
and I don't know how to move
move on

It feels so right
But it feels so wrong
I don't want to make up
my mind

I love you so
I need you here
Why wont you see
That you need me.

Now.

After another talk with the parentals
i continued to think about my cuts.
i then thought "what if i just stabbed myself?"
then i thought that i better google it before i do that.

Anyways,
that is all for today.

Cutting (:

Ive come to find that I am a very hypocritical person.
In everything i say and do.

Tonight i got caught
driving by myself, at midnight.
my mom yelled, and slapped me.
but all i wanted to do was take the knife.
while i was walking back to my room,
i took one of the steak knives :)
came to my room,
sat in a chair and began to cut.

[[note to self, steak knives suck at cutting into skin]]

so i began to look for something else.
i had scissors,
but they didnt work as well.
i remembered the razor i had on the window sill!
i quickly ran to get it, and ran to the bathroom.
i sat on the counter and began to cut

there was 1
then 2
at last, 3
on my left.

i looked and said "hmm.. its not enough"
i switched hands,
one on the right
then one more

the happiness came pouring in!
all of a sudden,
i smiled :D
the biggest smile i've had in a while

i wanted to continue
but i thought
"what if they worried/cared"
but then i thought
"they wouldnt even notice!"

but heres the test
if they dont notice, i'll continue
if they do, i'll find a different spot.

just know that i am deeply thinking of ending it all now.
if only you guys knew i had this blog
if only you guys knew what i was going through
if only you guys knew.

hehe but you dont :D
and you never will
so dont bother trying now!

my cuts are starting to burn
makes me want to pour alcohol on 'em :]]
well i have nothing else to say here
peace out <8^(l)

Sick as a [[bull]]Dog.

Last night was the 4.0 banquet :]
i performed 2 songs..
The Climb- Miley Cyrus
and sang and played A Thousand Miles -Vannessa Carlton on the pinao :]
you can see my videos of my covers on [[ myspace.com/idunnomeh ]]

anyways, i was sooooper sick afterwards
i fell asleep at Carl's Jr. :/
so when i got home i crashed
and woke up at 5 to do my essay for Sharky, and my hw for Madera.

now i'm in 5th period, Journalism.
and i'm so sick, it makes me want to cry.
i dont want to go to basketball
or tennis practice today.
makes me wana off myself :/

everyone is sick!
its depressing..
Kimmy, i hope you feel better!

anyways im out..
felt like blogging a line
lol ima go watch Elbert jerk now :P

Dear Kimmy,

Kimberly Denise Tirado,

-----We met August 1st, 2009, through your lovely brother. Through those times, we have both suffered through our share of pain, and I'm sorry that you feel so "useless" or "worthless". Just know that you have me, Christine, Kaitelyn and David. Even when you feel lost and alone, and if no one else is there for you, I AM.

-----When you feel like no one else understands you, not even your own mother, I will. The world will always give up on you, but you cannot give up on the world. Show them who you are, and what you are here to do.

-----Your beautiful, and talented in everything you do, and i believe in you 100%. I will always be here to support every single decision that you make, even if I disagree, I will support you.

-----I will always be here,
♥ Rozlyn Marie

The Last Goodbye

In an hour exactly, today
will be the one year annivesary of my grandmothers death.
i dont know how to feel right now
im glad that she is with the Lord right now,
pain free, and at peace.
I miss her so much.
I break down just by thinking about her.
She was so perfect,
she was beautiful, respectful, strong, strict and funny.
she was an amazing person
I just feel so incomplete.

July 25th, 2008
My last words to her were "This isn't good bye grandma, I will see you again later"

August 28th, 2008
While on my flight back to the Philippines to see her again,
she passed away.

talk about an FML right?.

blogger.

I lay here in bed
thinking, what is going to come.
Relationships are falling apart everywhere
and no one is happy anymore.

nmrzocab123: the world revolves around gossip, whats hot/whats not, drama, drugs, sex and alcohol
-and its pathetic that people actually find their "happiness" through all those things, and quite annoying acutally.
-like i've never really tried to kill myself. and i dont think i would ever do that, but i do see what you mean about life being something pointless.
-and i mean i still think that there is a point and reason to everything, but atm, i dont see my point or my reason.
- which makes me want to go off myself, because i know that it wouldnt make a difference. i didnt make a difference in anyones life, so it wouldnt matter.. you know?

Gimek .:yah i noe wat u mean.. buh trust me i noe ull find sum1 that cares for yu the way yu care for them thats a promise....

hmm. my p.i.c. understands meee :] lmao. gahh, hes amazerful. its amazing what happens when you talk to people and when you actually have meaningful conversations. lol like mah p.i.c and i :P

------

i felt like blogging..and i dont really know what to blog about lol.

Today::
i woke up feeling like today was going to be a good day :]

Before school:
dropped my brother off at Bryan's, picked up Marcus and Jennifer
went to the gas station and saw Savanna
got to school, met up at the spot :P
i was suuuper hyper today,
and started randomly singing and i wasnt even listening to music :P

1st period: the usual, Will and I disrupt the class, Tyler and Danny play with the little racecar, Amanda is in her own world, and Fez and Fish do the work :]
2nd period: OCD teacher, today wasnt so bad. just went over hw, test tommorrow.. woo
3rd period: nothing really. portfolio check, SSR, and had time to work on our essays.
4th period: espanol.. missed like 20 min. of that class cuz i was walking around the office :P
LUNCH: peer counseling meeting with Ms. Fark. good talk :]
5th period: handed out jobs to people, charged cameras.
--PASSING PERIOD TO 6TH-- found out THE most amazing, exciting, scary news EVER!!
6th period: basketball. we ran, i puked, 150 crunches, 40 push ups. (2) 1 min. 30 sec. wall-sits, 2 laps around the court, and we were finally done...
Coach Gomez: Rozlyn whats wrong with you?
Rozlyn: i'm emotionally depressed, and my knees are hurting
Coach Gomez: Get your act together.
amanda said he said that cuz he wants me on varsity.. ?

AFTER SCHOOL:
Couldnt find Will, finally did.
I was gona let Brodie drive my car, but his dad was looking for him lol
Took Heaven and her brother home, came back to the school for tennis practice
Me and some girl.. Brianna? idk lol were the only 2 out on the court. We spent 20 min. looking for the team, everyone was telling us to go in different directions, we finally found them in the Athletics Office :P
We picked officers today, and i guess i am a Publicist for the Tennis Club.. woo :] lol

today wasnt so bad, it was kinda fun :] and there wasnt any drama, finally! lol
im glad im so busy, it keeps my mind off of things :P
but do you wana see busy?
check out tomorrows blog :]

My Last Message

This is my last message to Derek.
Those of you know the story, and a few of you know the "sequel"
I'm debating on whether or not to send this directly to him, or not.
I'm debating on whether or not he'll care, or even read it all the way through.
He probably wont respond, but the fact that he read it means something.
Here it is, enjoy.

Derek,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for everything.
I obviously am not the one for you,
but I still believe you are the one for me.

I dont think you realize, exactly how much i love you.
I've never met you in person
and yet im still here a week later trying to get you back.

I know i'm wasting my time.
but i dont want to give up
even if that means i end up alone.

Derek, theres just something about you, that keeps me wanting more.
Your voice, your laugh, your dorkiness, your looks, your humor, your slowness, everything about you just makes me love you more and more.
Everytime I get to talk to you, I am the happiest girl in the world

I just.. cant believe its really over.
After what we had talked about when Amanda and Andrew broke up.
its just hard for me to believe.

Two people are telling me that its time for me to let you go.
I'm crying my eyes out right now, and that is something not one of my best friends has ever seen happen to me.
I'm sorry for everything that i put you through
and i hope that in the end we will be friends.

I do love you with everything I am y con todo mi Corazon.
I just hope when you told me you loved me, you meant it.
because I always have, and I always will.

Rozzy<3

Because.

Because i love you
-----i wont love another
Because i gave you my heart
-----i dont want it back
Because you left me
-----i will follow you
Because you love me
-----i love you too

o7.24.o9

Now The Tears Fall

I guess now i'm just an "ex".
reasonable, since its true.
but how can you sit there and say
"believe me when i say i love you"
and yet, you dont want to be with me.

I dont want to give up.
but you make it hard not to
you make everything so easy and care free.
can you show me how to do that?

since sunday, ive been waiting for the tears.
theyve finally arrived :)

well, all i can say is good luck
and i hope everything clears up for you soon!

just another day..

I was asked before if I was "in love" with you.
I now realize, that i truly am IN love with you.
Obviously I am because I am continually thinking about you
thinking about those last words
it makes me wonder...


I really can't get over you
and I don't plan to get over you.
I want you back, more than anything in this damn world.

-----------


Soo today, was super depressing for me.

1st period, was the usual forget about shiet period.
2nd period, was a drag
3rd, i was distracted thank God.
-- before 4th period
I stood outside hugging my friend Derek a.k.a Diego :P we were hugging fer forever.
4th period, usual spanish class
-- Lunch: I spent lunch time talking to my friends about Derko..
everyone was telling me "fuck him, he doesnt deserve you."
but i want him soo bad, why cant i have him?!?
5th period, layed down on the tables with amanda :)
6th period, effing annoying as usual.


left tennis early because my knees are hurting
came home, my bro and i got pizza and grubbed
i took a nap for the first time this week :)

idk. lately i've just been..
bleh i feel like im wasting my time
i am so in love with him
and i dont think he realizes it.
i want to talk to him
but i know he has nothing to talk about.
i want things to go back to the way things used to be.

Signs.

There are few signs showing that your still there
but at the same time, its like you dont care.
I want there to be a you and me,
but not if you dont want to.
I dont want to force you into anything
but at the same time i want to
but for the most selfish reasons.

Last night you told me 3 simple words
that changed my whole world.
I just hope that you meant exactly what you said.


------

Ahhhh. today was soo friggin tiring.
woke up, ate breakfast
marcus forgot his stuff so i had to take him back to his house and then go to school
i "lost" my closest friend today..
i wish it were easy to talk about this with others.
but its a sworn secret.

anyways we had conditioning for basketball today
ughh it felt good after
but tennis just sucked afterwards
didnt do much but the running part sucked.

my legs are dead
and i still have to do my essay for english
and my pre- calc hw.
ughh school
i hate it!

overall- okay day.

Tired.

Last week i had a conversation with my Partner In Crime [Juan].
we were discussing our religious belief
the subject went on into "where do you think you go when you die"
then it went to "life is pointless, without that 'one' special person"
moving on to "nobody will remember when you die anyways".

hehe my P.I.C. and I have different opinions, but they connect in some way, and theyre kinda cool. we have real conversations, and its nice :P
onwards--

---
I agree, that when you die nobody will really keep your spirit alive. Yeah, you will miss that person for x-amount of days/weeks/months/years etc. but in the end, they'll be forgotten, and remembered when the anniversary of their death comes around.
But thats just what i agree on.

---
My life has went from friggin amazing to fucking sucky in about 25 hours.
it started with an email
going on to me not being able to hang out with friends because of certain people
continuing to the shittiest basketball team EVER.
and then into my parents yelling at me for God knows what.

now. i'm tired of it all.

---
i've told Kimmy.
there is no importance without that "one" person.
-Am I suppose to keep searching? But I'm tired of it..
-I'm tired of searching
-tired of waiting
-tired of getting hurt
-tired of everything and everyone.

---
I can give great advice, ask anyone of my "patients".
but when it comes to me seeking advice
it seems like my "best friends" turn away trying to stay out of it.
which dont get me wrong, its not really their business
but isnt it kinda in the job title of being "best friends"?
asking whats wrong?

today one of my b*tches
whom i rarely see/talk to
1st thing he asked me when he saw me was
"What's wrong? you look sad".

Someone whom i never talk to
notices theres something wrong
before my best friends of almost a year did.

Btw Tazzy, ily fer that :)

---
I really want to go back to the Philippines.
no drama there
brand new start
i'll be rich?
but my grandma wont be there.

It seems like everywhere I turn to,
someone is either leaving me, or gone.

Like I've said before and i'll say it again
People come and go, but i'm waiting for the one who will never leave

---
People come in and out of my life
but the one person i thought would be in it forever
.. man forever goes by fast.
This blog its getting long..
i'll stop here.

I'm Not Over You

Dear My Love,

I'm soo not over you...
i dont know how to
i dont want to
i cant let you go
why cant we be together?
if you "love" me, distance shouldnt matter
i know we havent officially met but
ughh we just clicked soo fast
and we just had this conversation last week after we saw what happened with our friends
i just...
i just wish that i couldve done something different..
something better?
people say "your such a great girl"
..obviously not for you
then they say "he's missing out"
but why am i the one crying over it?
i just wish you would talk to me just one last time.
i miss your voice, your laugh, your dorkiness
i miss you and everything about you .
I still love you and i have a feeling I always will
i still want to do all the things we talked about
go out to sushi, road trip, everything :)
i just hope you dont forget about me
I love you, and I always will.

Love,
Rozlyn Marie<3

what a weekend..

I spent the night hanging with a homie :]
hung out til about 4 this morning, i came home and crashed at 4:30
woke up for church at 7:30.
when i came home i fell back asleep
and woke up to the most disturbing news i could ever imagine to receive.

You know who you are,
and i wish you the best of luck in all that you do
i still love you with everything i have.

tomorrow is school, bleh
i was guna go out tonight but the homie couldnt get out :/
oh well..

you are still kept safe in my heart,

a place i never want you to leave

i love you

Derek Alexis Tirado