Moving On.

In my previous blogs there were "violent" experiences going on.
that are still going on today.

After me cutting myself,
i found out that my best friend had shot himself on the friday before.
which only led to more of an urge to continue
i have not cut since, and i dont plan on it again

im just sick and tired of the "same old" that continues every day of my life.
i think 16 years is enough pain,
but just 2 more and i'll be free from it all.

[[ you really dont know how i feel
you were never there to find out
you were never there for me for anything
you choose a fucking dog, over me
i'm done trying to impress you
i rather have you send me off somewhere
i'd be happier in africa, starving.
maybe after that i'll be skinny enough for you ]]

my problems with my parents will never be solved
they will always be looked over
and passed as if they were never there

the problems i have with a "best friend"
will never be resolved.
with as many times as i tell them
how i feel
or what i would want then to change
as always, it goes in one ear and out of the other.

i'm changing my point of view on the world.
i'm going to start caring
i'm going to start having fun
i'm going to keep breaking the rules
and i'm going to keep living through the same shit everday

because i know that there is someone else
who is feeling 10 times shittier than i am :)

Just Because [the song]

It wasn't supposed to happen
we were meant to stay just as friends
you were so far away
but you kept me close
it wasn't supposed to happen
but it did anyways

Because I love you
i wont love another
because i gave you my heart,
i don't want it back
because you left me,
i will follow you
because you love me,
i love you too.

Your dark hair
your bright smile
the way you talk
the way you laugh
your different
than anyone else

YOU SWORE NEVER TO

LEAVE ME here alone
but that's what you did
after everything we talked about
you turned your back
and walked away
you left me here
to be alone

So now I sing la la la, la la la la la, la la la x2

I'm told to let you go
because you're the one that's missing out
but why am I the one crying over it?
Will you ever come back?
Or am I wasting my time

So now I sing la la la, la la la la la, la la la x2

I cant let you go
I don't want to
and I don't know how to move
move on

It feels so right
But it feels so wrong
I don't want to make up
my mind

I love you so
I need you here
Why wont you see
That you need me.

Now.

After another talk with the parentals
i continued to think about my cuts.
i then thought "what if i just stabbed myself?"
then i thought that i better google it before i do that.

Anyways,
that is all for today.

Cutting (:

Ive come to find that I am a very hypocritical person.
In everything i say and do.

Tonight i got caught
driving by myself, at midnight.
my mom yelled, and slapped me.
but all i wanted to do was take the knife.
while i was walking back to my room,
i took one of the steak knives :)
came to my room,
sat in a chair and began to cut.

[[note to self, steak knives suck at cutting into skin]]

so i began to look for something else.
i had scissors,
but they didnt work as well.
i remembered the razor i had on the window sill!
i quickly ran to get it, and ran to the bathroom.
i sat on the counter and began to cut

there was 1
then 2
at last, 3
on my left.

i looked and said "hmm.. its not enough"
i switched hands,
one on the right
then one more

the happiness came pouring in!
all of a sudden,
i smiled :D
the biggest smile i've had in a while

i wanted to continue
but i thought
"what if they worried/cared"
but then i thought
"they wouldnt even notice!"

but heres the test
if they dont notice, i'll continue
if they do, i'll find a different spot.

just know that i am deeply thinking of ending it all now.
if only you guys knew i had this blog
if only you guys knew what i was going through
if only you guys knew.

hehe but you dont :D
and you never will
so dont bother trying now!

my cuts are starting to burn
makes me want to pour alcohol on 'em :]]
well i have nothing else to say here
peace out <8^(l)