Dear Anonymous,

It's amazing what time can do to a person. The things that happen, the people they meet. What is truly amazing is what doesn't change.

You have told me a lot, and showed me a lot and you know how I feel. Somethings are better left unsaid, or undone. These may just be one of those things, and I'm sorry. There is so much more I can say, but I wont.

The whole is different than the sum of its parts.

Doubts.

According to Dictionary.com, Doubt means- to be uncertain about.

That would pretty much sum up my feelings towards my future.
I doubt that I will live happily ever after with him.
I doubt that I will be successful, no matter what path I choose.
I doubt that my parents would ever be satisfied with who I will become.

I continue to doubt, and realize that I'm really not going to get anywhere if I continue to doubt.

Why I doubt?
-I doubt that I will live happily ever after because maybe in the end it's not meant to be. What happens if we break up? What happens if I do join the military? There are many what if's to this relationship, and that is not a good sign. Maybe I should break it off while I can, before it gets any deeper into the relationship. I just don't know.

- I will not be successful because I don't know what I want. Dentist, Lawyer, Psychologist, Marines? For only beting 16 those are a lot of different career paths I've thought about, and for the longest time I've wanted to be a Lawyer.. But no that's too much money, Psychologist, too much money.. Marines? Yeah! I'll risk my life to get free schooling.. greaaaat, I'm all for it (:

- My parents have never said "I'm proud of you" in 16 years I've been wandering this planet. Maybe they never will, maybe it's just a moment waiting to happen. Until then, I doubt.

Anyways this is all for today,
'Til next time.

To the future..

Senior Year is literally right around the corner..

I feel like I've signed up for 10 classes next year!! Theres so much I still want to do with so little time :(

So far I think my schedule goes a little something like::

1- Advanced Show Choir
2- Psychology AP
3- Calculus AP
4- ASB
5- Journalism
6- English 4 Exp

BUT now I'm thinking the Marines.. and what better way to get ready than JrROTC right?
but where am i supposed to fit that??

AND now I'm thinking Basketball again?? ughhhh already stressing about the school year and it's not even here :(

Anyways the summer has been relaxing :]
went to DC for the first week
then came back to relax a week and get settled in
then Tennis for 3 weeks xP
and now Summer School :) gotta get that Gov/Econ class OUT of the way :P

The "real" world is out there..
and it's coming quick.

That'll be all for now.

Moving On.

In my previous blogs there were "violent" experiences going on.
that are still going on today.

After me cutting myself,
i found out that my best friend had shot himself on the friday before.
which only led to more of an urge to continue
i have not cut since, and i dont plan on it again

im just sick and tired of the "same old" that continues every day of my life.
i think 16 years is enough pain,
but just 2 more and i'll be free from it all.

[[ you really dont know how i feel
you were never there to find out
you were never there for me for anything
you choose a fucking dog, over me
i'm done trying to impress you
i rather have you send me off somewhere
i'd be happier in africa, starving.
maybe after that i'll be skinny enough for you ]]

my problems with my parents will never be solved
they will always be looked over
and passed as if they were never there

the problems i have with a "best friend"
will never be resolved.
with as many times as i tell them
how i feel
or what i would want then to change
as always, it goes in one ear and out of the other.

i'm changing my point of view on the world.
i'm going to start caring
i'm going to start having fun
i'm going to keep breaking the rules
and i'm going to keep living through the same shit everday

because i know that there is someone else
who is feeling 10 times shittier than i am :)